EXCLUSIVE: HOW RAIDEN KEPT ME OFF THE STREETS

IT'S SAFE TO COME OUT NOW: You probably don't know the name Rory Butcher, and if you do it's probably someone else. But it's for good reason, for if had he not played Metal Gear Riding: Revengeance  last Wednesday then you'd probably be seeing news headlines with Ronny's name in them right now. For you see Ricky's is a tale of youth and cutting things, one we can all relate to, but with a twist. Rudolph told BFTGD that "since the age of 32 I've been fascinated with knives, and having first discovered them at the dinner table I couldn't help but resist the urge to slice all manner of vegetables and meats. Mushrooms proved the most enjoyable, and are delicious in a stroganoff", but good things couldn't last forever; I learnt that the hard way. Rory however soon grew tired of fungi and instead moved on to fun guys instead. "My first foray into people came in the form of my Uncle Berney, whom I thoroughly disliked from an early age, and as such used him as a test drive of sorts", detailing how he began with the chin before ending on the upper torso, an experience he claims he has "yet to top". 4 weeks later, 2 women and a koala were found in various crevices around the town square, and it soon became apparent to the locals that Rory had become rather distant, claiming "he just kept to himself and his victims most of the time" and "rarely attended Bible study". However with the release of MGR Roland was soon able to focus his disorder unto PMCs and foreigners, something that has satisfied his appetite for manslaughter and "let him return to his normal self".

If anyone has information of the current whereabouts of Reginald, contact your local Police.

REAL LIFE LARA CROFT SENTENCED 5 YEARS

*Artist's impression of the offender

In what began as a simple case of girl idolises virtual woman ended in horror early tomorrow morning as Caren Pressionable, who'll be 6 by the time you read this, has been sentenced 5 years for the slaughter of 'innocent' animals and mutilation of the elderly. Her mother, Beth, told us her ordeal. Here it is. "My daughter had been obsessed with Angelina Jolie since we first played Tomb Raider on her father's Nintendo Playstation, and before we knew it she was dressing provocatively and began using a peculiar walking animation. Soon after she began digging around the local cemetery, and once we began finding human bones in her toy box we knew we had to intervene before it got out of hand". But it was not to be, as the recent Tomb Raider reboot only further fanned the flames of sick fantasy, and began taking cues from the new title by ''shooting wild animals, small birds and dogs at first but it soon escalated to a particularly gruesome encounter at London Zoo in the sloth enclosure". Onlookers claimed she 'wept profusely before beginning the rampage anew", and before long she took her blood-lust to humans as she wielded her father's Smith & Wesson, which eventually led to her blowing off the upper torsos of an elderly couple. Caren claims "they all deserve it, the God of Death has given me this mission". Tell it to the judge.

MAN LOSES ROD STEWART TO Wii

"AND MAY A FLOCK OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST"

In a disturbing report, it has been reported that a 46-year old male human has lost a CD of Rod Stewart's Greatest Hits (Universal Music, £8.99 RRP) after he attempted to play it in his Wii console, I am sad to report. The male, Timothy Fidgets, claimed "it was me and my wife's wedding anniversary, and per tradition she bought another Rod Stewart compilation album as a gift for the sixth f***ing year in a row, and as such it felt necessary to give ol' Roddy another go on the record player". However, tragic struck when Fidgets remembered how "my wife recently sold off our old JVC CD player to St. Bart's Home for the Deaf to fund her Zumba classes, and so as to not ruin the mood I hoped our Wii would do the job", and so in an act of excruciating ignorance and ineptitude Fidgets put the disc in only for the console to swallow it up whole like an anthropomorphic machine. Their marriage has yet to recover from the incident; Timothy told BFTGD that "since the Event my life has taken a downward turn; my wife won't talk to me and our Wii has lost its resale value. It's ironic, to think, that a console that gave us so little besides Big Brain Academy and the odd game of Ninjabread Man has taken so much from us"; Rod Stewart was unable to comment at this time.

PROFESSOR LAYTON DEEMED 'SHOCKINGLY RACIST'

THIS JUST IN: A recent report by the Institute of British Representation has recently called for a ban on the Professor Layton series for 'horrific' and 'shamefully backwards' depiction of English 'people'. A spokesperson for the group, Kuritta Syze, put forward that the 'tea-guzzling antics' of the titular hero are an offensive exaggeration 'perpetuated by archaic Japanese stereotypes of the English', such as wearing top hats indoors and drinking tea at every possible occasion (when it is common knowledge that it is only before and after elevensies and post-supper). Syze also notes how the games portray the old stereotype of an Englishman having 'one pair of clothes' and 'the dead cold eyes of a killer', an image long prolonged by the infamous 'Blank Stare Jefferson', an Englishman who resided in Japan and fought his way to become the first foreign shogun in 2004. Most shocking of all was the depiction of Luke, a small boy who follows Layton 'like a puppy on heat', reflecting the common notion held by the Japanese of Englishmen as 'outgoing paedophiles with children following them as if suffering from Stockholm syndrome' and 'loving every second of it'. 

I've reached out to Nintendo for further comment.

FACT: TOO MANY WOMEN IN GAMES

'DON'T WORRY DEAR, LET THE MEN HANDLE THIS BETA TEST'

OPINION A-GO-GO: With the recent hubbalaboo over Anita Sarkeesiannimen's first 'Tropes vs. Women in Games' video hitting the interwebs like a tennis ball to the face, bouncing off every hard surface it comes into collision with, it's only natural that some people are telling us to stop throwing that ball in my face. And you know what I say? Let me get my racquet. In my first serve, Sarkeesium's video has reignited the women in games debate, prompting level-headed commentators like 'bro-dick55max' from Kotaku.com to say 'this bitch has no idea what she's talking about, someone give her a long-due abortion'; and he may just be onto something. In recent tests IGN has shown that women are weaker than men, and cannot handle the complexity of HTML without bursting into tears and, in rare cases, self-immolation. Tests also show that the portrayal of women in games 'promotes a healthy image and role for all women to strive for', citing Jade from Beyond Good & Evil as 'embarrassingly lesbian-esque'. As the rally comes back my way in the form of the question 'then what do we do about it Mr. Huffletiem?', all I say is this; ladies, play Lollipop Chainsaw, then sit down, watch some telly, and think about what you've done.

Hole-in-one.

REVIEW: KINGDOM HEARTS 3D: DREAM DRIP DISTANCE

WHY DO I ALWAYS GET STUCK WITH THE ICKY REVIEWS?:

REVIEW: What in Lucfier is even going on in this game. Having never played this series before I am baffled by as to how some Final Fantasy rejects are interacting with the likes of Donald Duck and Jeff Bridges. Suspending disbelief for a good 30 hours, I found that this game contains the Kingdom Hearts magic 'you all know and love' with enthralling new moves that let you swing on poles and jump off walls to your, wait for it, heart's content. Solid gameplay and fluid graphics at 78fps make it a joy to play and watch, and with over 66+ hours of playtime* you get plenty of bang for your (Donald) duck. In conclusion...

8/10: 'Disappointing'.

Played on Easy Mode: finished World 1 and collected 4 Dream Eaters. Copy provided by Square-Enix, score paid for by Buena Vista Games.

REPORT: MIYAMOTO 'DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE WII U WORKS"

REPORT: In a recent interview the Big Daddy of Nintendo (Ed: as his subordinates are legally obliged to refer to him) Shigeru 'What is online?' Miyamoto has admitted that 'I had absolutely no idea what I was doing' whilst work began on the Pikmin 3 computer-game-experience. In this shocking report The Shigsman has admitted to having 'great difficulty' with 'developing' games on 'Wii U', as in a recent Iwata Asks on the making of Odama that 'it was hard enough getting a giant pinball to work on the GameCube; trying to make something work on the Mega-Wii is an absolute bastard'. Despite his sordid history with Microsoft and Sony, referring to the former as 'a bit shit', he has nonetheless acknowledged their technical expertise in titles like Too Human, which Miyamoto went on record to say is the 'single most impressive title I've seen in years bar AMY'. Looks like he's going to have to upturn a few more tables, am I right?

SIM CITY: "MORE LIKE SIMSHITTY'" SAYS METACRITIC

It has recently been announced that, following the dismal reviews scores for the latest SimCity city-building game from the makers of the Sims, as indicated by the current metacritic  score of 66, indicating 'extremely poor to God-awful reviews', that over half of the original staff members at Maxis games are to be systematically culled starting from 2pm tomorrow at lunch time (methods yet to be announced). First on the chopping board is main HUD designer Terrence Ghilty, who upon hearing the recent news claimed 'I accept the judgement passed onto me by the executives at EA Games; in this industry its simply a case of get a metacritic score of 95+ or face certain death, and so I deserve it'. Head of PR at EA Jeremy Punnish recently added 'it's a shame what must befall Terrence and the other members of Maxis, but frankly it's all their fault'. And you know what? He had it coming.