EXCLUSIVE: HOW RAIDEN KEPT ME OFF THE STREETS

IT'S SAFE TO COME OUT NOW: You probably don't know the name Rory Butcher, and if you do it's probably someone else. But it's for good reason, for if had he not played Metal Gear Riding: Revengeance  last Wednesday then you'd probably be seeing news headlines with Ronny's name in them right now. For you see Ricky's is a tale of youth and cutting things, one we can all relate to, but with a twist. Rudolph told BFTGD that "since the age of 32 I've been fascinated with knives, and having first discovered them at the dinner table I couldn't help but resist the urge to slice all manner of vegetables and meats. Mushrooms proved the most enjoyable, and are delicious in a stroganoff", but good things couldn't last forever; I learnt that the hard way. Rory however soon grew tired of fungi and instead moved on to fun guys instead. "My first foray into people came in the form of my Uncle Berney, whom I thoroughly disliked from an early age, and as such used him as a test drive of sorts", detailing how he began with the chin before ending on the upper torso, an experience he claims he has "yet to top". 4 weeks later, 2 women and a koala were found in various crevices around the town square, and it soon became apparent to the locals that Rory had become rather distant, claiming "he just kept to himself and his victims most of the time" and "rarely attended Bible study". However with the release of MGR Roland was soon able to focus his disorder unto PMCs and foreigners, something that has satisfied his appetite for manslaughter and "let him return to his normal self".

If anyone has information of the current whereabouts of Reginald, contact your local Police.

REAL LIFE LARA CROFT SENTENCED 5 YEARS

*Artist's impression of the offender

In what began as a simple case of girl idolises virtual woman ended in horror early tomorrow morning as Caren Pressionable, who'll be 6 by the time you read this, has been sentenced 5 years for the slaughter of 'innocent' animals and mutilation of the elderly. Her mother, Beth, told us her ordeal. Here it is. "My daughter had been obsessed with Angelina Jolie since we first played Tomb Raider on her father's Nintendo Playstation, and before we knew it she was dressing provocatively and began using a peculiar walking animation. Soon after she began digging around the local cemetery, and once we began finding human bones in her toy box we knew we had to intervene before it got out of hand". But it was not to be, as the recent Tomb Raider reboot only further fanned the flames of sick fantasy, and began taking cues from the new title by ''shooting wild animals, small birds and dogs at first but it soon escalated to a particularly gruesome encounter at London Zoo in the sloth enclosure". Onlookers claimed she 'wept profusely before beginning the rampage anew", and before long she took her blood-lust to humans as she wielded her father's Smith & Wesson, which eventually led to her blowing off the upper torsos of an elderly couple. Caren claims "they all deserve it, the God of Death has given me this mission". Tell it to the judge.

MAN LOSES ROD STEWART TO Wii

"AND MAY A FLOCK OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST"

In a disturbing report, it has been reported that a 46-year old male human has lost a CD of Rod Stewart's Greatest Hits (Universal Music, £8.99 RRP) after he attempted to play it in his Wii console, I am sad to report. The male, Timothy Fidgets, claimed "it was me and my wife's wedding anniversary, and per tradition she bought another Rod Stewart compilation album as a gift for the sixth f***ing year in a row, and as such it felt necessary to give ol' Roddy another go on the record player". However, tragic struck when Fidgets remembered how "my wife recently sold off our old JVC CD player to St. Bart's Home for the Deaf to fund her Zumba classes, and so as to not ruin the mood I hoped our Wii would do the job", and so in an act of excruciating ignorance and ineptitude Fidgets put the disc in only for the console to swallow it up whole like an anthropomorphic machine. Their marriage has yet to recover from the incident; Timothy told BFTGD that "since the Event my life has taken a downward turn; my wife won't talk to me and our Wii has lost its resale value. It's ironic, to think, that a console that gave us so little besides Big Brain Academy and the odd game of Ninjabread Man has taken so much from us"; Rod Stewart was unable to comment at this time.