*Artist's impression of the offender
In what began as a simple case of girl idolises virtual woman ended in horror early tomorrow morning as Caren Pressionable, who'll be 6 by the time you read this, has been sentenced 5 years for the slaughter of 'innocent' animals and mutilation of the elderly. Her mother, Beth, told us her ordeal. Here it is. "My daughter had been obsessed with Angelina Jolie since we first played Tomb Raider on her father's Nintendo Playstation, and before we knew it she was dressing provocatively and began using a peculiar walking animation. Soon after she began digging around the local cemetery, and once we began finding human bones in her toy box we knew we had to intervene before it got out of hand". But it was not to be, as the recent Tomb Raider reboot only further fanned the flames of sick fantasy, and began taking cues from the new title by ''shooting wild animals, small birds and dogs at first but it soon escalated to a particularly gruesome encounter at London Zoo in the sloth enclosure". Onlookers claimed she 'wept profusely before beginning the rampage anew", and before long she took her blood-lust to humans as she wielded her father's Smith & Wesson, which eventually led to her blowing off the upper torsos of an elderly couple. Caren claims "they all deserve it, the God of Death has given me this mission". Tell it to the judge.
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