PROFESSOR LAYTON DEEMED 'SHOCKINGLY RACIST'

THIS JUST IN: A recent report by the Institute of British Representation has recently called for a ban on the Professor Layton series for 'horrific' and 'shamefully backwards' depiction of English 'people'. A spokesperson for the group, Kuritta Syze, put forward that the 'tea-guzzling antics' of the titular hero are an offensive exaggeration 'perpetuated by archaic Japanese stereotypes of the English', such as wearing top hats indoors and drinking tea at every possible occasion (when it is common knowledge that it is only before and after elevensies and post-supper). Syze also notes how the games portray the old stereotype of an Englishman having 'one pair of clothes' and 'the dead cold eyes of a killer', an image long prolonged by the infamous 'Blank Stare Jefferson', an Englishman who resided in Japan and fought his way to become the first foreign shogun in 2004. Most shocking of all was the depiction of Luke, a small boy who follows Layton 'like a puppy on heat', reflecting the common notion held by the Japanese of Englishmen as 'outgoing paedophiles with children following them as if suffering from Stockholm syndrome' and 'loving every second of it'. 

I've reached out to Nintendo for further comment.

FACT: TOO MANY WOMEN IN GAMES

'DON'T WORRY DEAR, LET THE MEN HANDLE THIS BETA TEST'

OPINION A-GO-GO: With the recent hubbalaboo over Anita Sarkeesiannimen's first 'Tropes vs. Women in Games' video hitting the interwebs like a tennis ball to the face, bouncing off every hard surface it comes into collision with, it's only natural that some people are telling us to stop throwing that ball in my face. And you know what I say? Let me get my racquet. In my first serve, Sarkeesium's video has reignited the women in games debate, prompting level-headed commentators like 'bro-dick55max' from Kotaku.com to say 'this bitch has no idea what she's talking about, someone give her a long-due abortion'; and he may just be onto something. In recent tests IGN has shown that women are weaker than men, and cannot handle the complexity of HTML without bursting into tears and, in rare cases, self-immolation. Tests also show that the portrayal of women in games 'promotes a healthy image and role for all women to strive for', citing Jade from Beyond Good & Evil as 'embarrassingly lesbian-esque'. As the rally comes back my way in the form of the question 'then what do we do about it Mr. Huffletiem?', all I say is this; ladies, play Lollipop Chainsaw, then sit down, watch some telly, and think about what you've done.

Hole-in-one.

REVIEW: KINGDOM HEARTS 3D: DREAM DRIP DISTANCE

WHY DO I ALWAYS GET STUCK WITH THE ICKY REVIEWS?:

REVIEW: What in Lucfier is even going on in this game. Having never played this series before I am baffled by as to how some Final Fantasy rejects are interacting with the likes of Donald Duck and Jeff Bridges. Suspending disbelief for a good 30 hours, I found that this game contains the Kingdom Hearts magic 'you all know and love' with enthralling new moves that let you swing on poles and jump off walls to your, wait for it, heart's content. Solid gameplay and fluid graphics at 78fps make it a joy to play and watch, and with over 66+ hours of playtime* you get plenty of bang for your (Donald) duck. In conclusion...

8/10: 'Disappointing'.

Played on Easy Mode: finished World 1 and collected 4 Dream Eaters. Copy provided by Square-Enix, score paid for by Buena Vista Games.

REPORT: MIYAMOTO 'DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE WII U WORKS"

REPORT: In a recent interview the Big Daddy of Nintendo (Ed: as his subordinates are legally obliged to refer to him) Shigeru 'What is online?' Miyamoto has admitted that 'I had absolutely no idea what I was doing' whilst work began on the Pikmin 3 computer-game-experience. In this shocking report The Shigsman has admitted to having 'great difficulty' with 'developing' games on 'Wii U', as in a recent Iwata Asks on the making of Odama that 'it was hard enough getting a giant pinball to work on the GameCube; trying to make something work on the Mega-Wii is an absolute bastard'. Despite his sordid history with Microsoft and Sony, referring to the former as 'a bit shit', he has nonetheless acknowledged their technical expertise in titles like Too Human, which Miyamoto went on record to say is the 'single most impressive title I've seen in years bar AMY'. Looks like he's going to have to upturn a few more tables, am I right?

SIM CITY: "MORE LIKE SIMSHITTY'" SAYS METACRITIC

It has recently been announced that, following the dismal reviews scores for the latest SimCity city-building game from the makers of the Sims, as indicated by the current metacritic  score of 66, indicating 'extremely poor to God-awful reviews', that over half of the original staff members at Maxis games are to be systematically culled starting from 2pm tomorrow at lunch time (methods yet to be announced). First on the chopping board is main HUD designer Terrence Ghilty, who upon hearing the recent news claimed 'I accept the judgement passed onto me by the executives at EA Games; in this industry its simply a case of get a metacritic score of 95+ or face certain death, and so I deserve it'. Head of PR at EA Jeremy Punnish recently added 'it's a shame what must befall Terrence and the other members of Maxis, but frankly it's all their fault'. And you know what? He had it coming.